This Present Moment –

John G Evans c 2019

A Measure of Peace to Live Within This Present Moment –

Ancestral shadows lay at my heels ready to strike in an instant though for a moment have held their peace.

Granted, the love remains within a charitable heart. I am here. You are here. Let us come to know when to lay down our arms.

I know I am nothing but a powdery dust crawling upon a rocky earth. Fear is in my heart. My thoughts remain congested of a polluted world contaminated by the ungodliness of our ways.

I am in exile. This land remains unseen by flesh, or rock, or earth, and for any kind of matter where I may lay, and rest, and be found, alive to all my senses, where my teachers are not of this earth, but, within a very special bliss known only by saints, mystics, and peoples of God.

This bliss welcomes all but draws only the few. I hope you shall discover this place of bliss, ecstasy, with a renewed sense of peace. I know I shall.

I go here as red warriors swarm my essence. And, I recall the days of miracles and I revisit the essence of awe.

Peace overwhelms me in a land where voices are only heard in silence.

I sleep in peace until the next visit.

Because, this present moment converts my measure of peace into nothing more.

Freedom befalls me.

Praise!

Words & Steely Knives

My Life Turned Around:

Words and Steely Knives

Have you heard:

“And they will defile My secret place; For robbers shall enter it and defile it.”

                                                                                                                        Ezekiel 7: 22

These steely knives meant to slice through the anger of the spoken word, vehement by nature as on a cutting board of hardened bamboo and the severity of salt inflicted upon these fleshly wounds? I remain tortured from the hidden bones of yesteryears. These bones broken of sticks and stones where words continue to traumatize me. Throughout all my sensitivities I lay dormant as a fish out of water. The perpetuation of anger rises through this global community of sacrifices known now by all mankind. I weep. I continue within my trail of tears and fears throughout this valley of injury. Pain becomes a nightly visitor. Days, too. I cry into the fiery dawn of burnt-orange skies and into the netherworld of far-a-way dreams. Dreams that never were except through the damaged memories of a child neglected by his peers. Vehemence you say? Violence, per se? well the challenge of the day has been to survive the selfish and careless acts of others. Yet, to be able to sludge onward despite their desolate means that slice through the anger of the spoken word, shameful by nature, as on a cutting board of hardened bamboo and the severity of salt inflicted upon these fleshly wounds.

Turning it around Within my Own Mind:

We must choose to live by our God and his timing, but this can be a difficult thing. I know from this violent past the transformation is a beautiful thing. Initially, as I begin to ponder, I know my thoughts that I think essentially are meant to be nothing. My thoughts can only harm me when I judge others or myself. To lay in judgement it seems is to judge my very essence of who I am. Judgement is a very dangerous thing, and yet, the thought of it means nothing.

Lately, I fear, of also which is rivalry with God, and (futile), my hollow and empty thoughts are pointless. A digging downward into an empty pit of nothingness demonstrating a world of vanity. I become agitated by a world I recognize as pointless and vain. However, the goodness of it all lay in the truth that has been set before us. To engage in a world that we see as worthless confines us to a rivalry, opposition, and perpetual struggle with God. As Jacob wrestled with the angel we also, wrestle with God through our thoughts. These thoughts are thus transformed into fear. Fear controls us. And then we become lost for everything God created is good. Therefore, the fear we live with is a measure of our own minds, and therefore, lay the enmity.

My thoughts are a funny thing (not to be construed as humorous). Everything witnessed by me shall be truth or illusion. I have come to know illusion rather well. But this too is vain thinking. “Thoughts that are true create their own likeness. Those that are false make theirs.” [1] One point that hashelped facilitate healing has been I have been determined to search out truth throughout a forty – year drought. For me, this is the only way. Many truths I’ve experienced have enlightened me. Many illusions I succumbed to destroyed me. All in all, the healing faith of the words ‘I Believe’ has sustained me. Mercy has guided me. Once I became infused within the depths of Mercy, I discovered more than I could share. As I began to write spiritual dictations in poetics I learned. I was aware of more than I could imagine. Faith healed me. Obedience set me upon a new path. I not only survived but have thrived. God is Goodness himself. This I discovered to be truth. Any thoughts aside from this truth is illusion and therefore does not exist for illusion is not of God. God did not create an illusory world.

In summation, I conclude belief in a God of Love and Mercy is all I require to defeat all my fears, rampant and ruminating thoughts, actions, and a delusional thought system. And, for me, this is what my life has rendered me: to desire to know God on a personal and humanistic level demonstrating he is Real. Real enough to reach out and hold onto my left shoulder to keep me from jumping over the edge onto the face of razors. I made it through the storms. Thank and praise God Almighty I made it through the storms. My hopes are that I have helped someone escape the dangers of illusive thinking.

If you require support, please call the Suicide Prevention Line at 1–800–273–8255.


[1] A Course in Miracles. Foundation for Inner Peace. Third Edition, 2007. Mill Valley. Print.

The Face of Trauma

The Fears & Nightmares of it all Happening Again

Trauma is covert. Covert is hidden. Hidden can be Impossible to Detect.

Remaining weary, yet gaining a new strength, the time has arrived to defeat this demonic beast. My day of reckoning is near. Love must abide within the shadows of my heart. I sense momentum. What fears or nightmares steep within the subconscious that may come to rise to greet me in the depths of consciousness?

The incurable malady awaits its turn to speak. Speak it shall. A new dawn must arise. Christ be still. This world awaits your will.

Peace on earth, and in my thoughts. Goodwill towards men.

Focal Planes & Focal Length

John G Evans c 2019

Through my honest attempt to comprehend the photographic focal planes within the camera lens I consulted a brilliant photography colleague of mine whose name I shall not reveal at this time having no consent to mention her name. However, she brought to light the mystery hidden within the complex world of photographic focal planes. Essentially speaking the higher the f/ number the more focal planes we come to know as being in focus. So, I encountered a PDF online entitled Basic Principles of Photography by David Capel.

While Capel explains illustratively that the Latin ‘Camera Obscura’ = “Dark Room” he explains also that “light passing through a small hole produces an inverted image on the opposite wall. Leonardo DaVinci and other artists during the 15th century made use of this creative technique to sharpen their artistic imaginings.

Creative refinements were designed were utilized by 18th century artists as Canaletto. The first original photograph was created by Joseph Niepce in 1825 upon light sensitive silver chloride plates. Thus, I suspect the originating feature whereas silver film became a useful tool for creating the image upon. I learned this factor working for a micrographics firm creating silver film and diazo film images we now call microfiche. I did this for 6 years working in a micrographics production facility. Looking back, I can now visualize what I was creating, how, and why.

Capel goes on to further demonstrate that the first production camera (Daguerreotype), designed by Louis Daguerre (1840’s) became the prototype we all benefit from in our world today. So, if we fast-forward 150 – years we discover that early photographers used silver halides on a mirrored – polished hard surface we call film. But as David goes on to explain present day fundamentals of photographic reception, we learn digital cameras employ electronic sensors consisting of large number of square cells or pixels.

A smaller aperture or opening means we receive little light or subject matter visibility. A larger aperture or opening means we receive more light rays or subject matter visibility. With the lens we add to the camera we receive rays of light on a singular point creating a sharper image.

Capel also demonstrates as I have aspired to explain as correctly as I am able as a somewhat novice/want-a-be-portrait-photographer a formula (that which I have discovered useful), that shows us 1/D’ + 1/D = 1/f. This formula translates to points at distance D are focused on D’ plane results in the subsequent turning of the focus ring to move the focal plane rendering us a more focused image (whether on film or a censor or even in a pinhole camera a wall). So, the field of view depends upon the focal length f that is a distance from the aperture to the censor (or film).

By doubling the focal length, we receive half the view. Essentially, a short focal length we see a wide field of view, but, a long focal length we see a narrow field of view. For a known or given film size s and focal length f plus the angular field of view the formula would look as such:

                                                a = 2 arctan s/2f

With a Perspective Convergence your short focal length (wide FoV), images tend to exhibit pronounced perspective effects. A wide FoV near to subject parallel lines converge, and with a narrow FoV far from subject parallel lines remain parallel. By increasing focal length and moving further from subject we can drastically change the composition.

The problems I encountered over a specific composition I was working with first at f/1.2 then f/5.6 and still being out of focus as I was told by a colleague was motion blur as opposed to focal planes, but in the process of discovering why my focus was not sharp, I thought more light was necessary on the subject to be able to focus clearly on her closest eye. Once in focus everything within that particular focal plane should be in focus. f/1.2 gave me a wider aperture opening to receive more light rays and subsequent image transferred TTL (through the lens), and when I modified the focal plane to f/5.6 I remained out of focus with the exception of the model’s face. So, my friend instructed me to photograph at f/4.0, 1/160 s, ISO 100, with a lamp power decrease to 1/64s. This was a super starting point.

With a determination to manipulate the camera and lens to work to my advantage I begin at this point. Adjustments are made until I am completely satisfied with the end result.

At this point I wish to thank David Capel for his photographic evaluation of focal planes and focal lengths through his valuable article in a PDF format. Without his research I never would have understood more clearly. All credit is and should be rendered to David Capel for assisting me to write out the measures he has taken to research, write, and illustrate this 44 – page PDF article I used to try and understand more about focal planes and focal length. Thank you, David Capel.

Military PTSD – Series 1

Intimidation by Military PTSD

So, the conflicts of war in ’71 and the issue of dog-tags depending on who you are become a kind of tattoo wrapped around your bloody neck like a hangman’s noose, well, it just sort of became my duty. Our flag was my heart and soul…still is. Onward into the scenario of combat zones, firefights, explosives, flares, and M-60 cartridges spent with their gutted shells heading for their targets. Thus, we are taught the art of war. My emptied blood vessels and organ tissues cry in anguished pain with fragments forced upon my nerve-damaged spine with blood and sweat snaking down my paralyzed form. Shit! I’m hit! I’m hit! I have been forced into this surrealistic combat zone where barbed wire spikes break the skin as derelict voices command me to keep moving with the stinging, burning sweat and dirt in a fevered pitch on a hot April day in ’72.

And, just nights before in his concupiscent rage a rogue Marine fed his hunger for salted flesh with forced penetration of mouth and core, thrust his moistened lips around me as I kicked and thrashed in my slumbered daze yelling, “What the fuck are you doing?” – John G Evans

My Techniques for a Fine Art Portrait through Digital Imagery & Photography

My most intimate passion is helping others who suffer and struggle with the hardship of Military PTSD and I like to aspire through a successful photographic dialogue with individuals who must confront this horrendous demon.

The mood of Military PTSD is dark and lacks hope. US Veterans & Military Service Members struggling with this disorder may be lost to such delusional thinking as suicidal ideation. I did for nearing thirty years. I slept with a knife next to me to end the life I knew as pain during the worst of the nightmares encountered from night to night. I even placed a loaded weapon against my chin but did not pull the trigger. Often, I ask myself why? And, I suspect I know the answer why. No matter how much doom and gloom we face, hope will always shed her confidence through our courage facing our ruminating thoughts. It is not easy and has taken me since 1972 to figure this out, but I was fortunate, I had a small child to help raise. Gratefully, she became the often time cliched wind beneath my wings. Miraculously, and with the very distant hopes life would get better I rode these tsunami, congested thoughts of dread by being dead believing life does become worth living.

My technique for creating in a color-grading format depends upon several variables, i.e. software, exposure, applying light just right, compositions, and poses. I am skilled by my camera and lighting. At times I will use a natural light but thus far have become proficient with artificial lighting with my 36” modified deep dish octabox. I use this setup to bring out the color, shadow, and light with every scene I produce. I enjoy my results.

My husband, photographer, author and poet John Evans, has lived with the trauma of this military memory for nearly 50 years. During the 10 years that we have been married, we have walked together through the storm of PTSD. The healing power of John’s fine art photography inspires me every day — and will inspire you too as you look through this website.

John seeks to tell a story with every image he captures. Whether it’s fine art portraits or photojournalism, his goal is to communicate a bit of the truth behind the image. He approaches every subject matter with courage and clarity, even if it means looking traumatic memories squarely in the eye. John’s creativity in turn helps to heal the still fresh worlds from the “surrealistic combat zone” of half a century ago. Additionally, his goal is to inspire others to heal through creativity and photography.

John Evans offers high quality, fine art photographs for purchase. He is also available as a portrait photographer, to help you tell your story. Contact us if you would like to discuss a portrait session. We look forward to hearing from you. – Judith C Evans

Today I am Reading:

The Dramatic Portrait: The Art of Crafting Light and Shadow by Chris Knight. By the time I complete the history of portraits, art, the Masters, and light & shadow, I should have a very clear sensibility for creating my own style of portraits. Though, I have colleagues in the field who have taught me much, I have a drive to create my own style and not simply create what someone else has created. This is good. Stay with me and we shall see the photographic magic begin to come forth in a benevolent force of creativity.

Preoccupied

Acquiring New Photographic Skills

Today is a day to celebrate the assets of receiving additional skills and gear. I ordered a new backdrop (black), for the moments I wish to convey throughout my grief stricken days. But, it is more than this. To me black is class. I like the way color, lighting, composition, the pose, all come together to create a visual-storyteller’s artistry and story.

Of course, my favorite model Judith C Evans (my lovely adoring wife), always assists however possible. Today, I am desiring her to model as I fire up the camera, lighting with a Godox parabolic deep dish modifier, Godox lamp head flash, 85mm f/1.2 lens, and a wardrobe we can rely on for some very soft, subtle images of a beautiful lady who has captured my heart.

I will learn much today. I shall review the results later this afternoon and post as quickly as I am able post the post production.

Thank you for joining us.

Military PTSD – Series 2

© John G Evans 2017

I am a created man with empty words spoken upon my dialect that spills the blood of warriors, martyrs, too within a biased land. I am the emptiness so deep and so truly damned. I am the illusive firing squad that bears no name. I am the hosting flame for salted flesh that melds a steely night of swollen blood, of swollen veins. I am the silence that penetrates the darkness. I am a loud noise for this world of regime. I am a cultivating shape of things to come. I am the indigenous in exile on my way to annihilation. I am the blood of the family of man. I am the vapors of death upon Golgotha as any other man. I am the accretion of silvery smoke of ’48 attempting to occupy your land, as well as your mind. I have become ethnically cleansed. I am biting this expended round regarding massacres never found. I am on a trail of rock and sand with family in hand. I am every man. I am within your heart for I have no where else to hide from this contempt of man. I am silence that speaks with the awe of thunder. I am the child that walks aside his mother. I am woman. I am man. I am cautious of regimes and political, or military establishments. I am a world of refugees. I am patriotic with no sense of home. I am the wandering traveler. I am the Bedouin who has no camels. I am, for the sake of man, Savior.

From my second book of poetry entitled, I AM: The Tiny Mustard Seed, Create-space, Lexington. 2017. Print.

Having felt all too often overwhelmed by excessive worry, depression, anxiety, hyper-vigilance, and paranoia left me in a world of many wounds. I survived, but I had to have help. Struck down by the ruminating thought congestion of suicidal ideation I feared for my life from my own hand. A therapeutic environment was extremely helpful. Doctors were extremely helpful always providing support. If you feel you need support call the Suicide Prevention Line at 1-800-273-8255.

Military PTSD – Series 1

Intimidation by Military PTSD

So, the conflicts of war in ’71 and the issue of dog-tags depending on who you are become a kind of tattoo wrapped around your bloody neck like a hangman’s noose, well, it just sort of became my duty. Our flag was my heart and soul…still is. Onward into the scenario of combat zones, firefights, explosives, flares, and M-60 cartridges spent with their gutted shells heading for their targets. Thus, we are taught the art of war. My emptied blood vessels and organ tissues cry in anguished pain with fragments forced upon my nerve-damaged spine with blood and sweat snaking down my paralyzed form. Shit! I’m hit! I’m hit! I have been forced into this surrealistic combat zone where barbed wire spikes break the skin as derelict voices command me to keep moving with the stinging, burning sweat and dirt in a fevered pitch on a hot April day in ’72.

And, just nights before in his concupiscent rage a rogue Marine fed his hunger for salted flesh with forced penetration of mouth and core, thrust his moistened lips around me as I kicked and thrashed in my slumbered daze yelling, “What the fuck are you doing?” – John G Evans

Should You Require Support Call the Suicide Prevention Line at 1-800-273-8255.

My Techniques for a Fine Art Portrait through Digital Imagery & Photography

My most intimate passion is helping others who suffer and struggle with the hardship of Military PTSD and I like to aspire through a successful photographic dialogue with individuals who must confront this horrendous demon to assist in allowing the Veteran to understand they are not alone.

The mood of Military PTSD is dark and lacks hope. US Veterans & Military Service Members struggling with this disorder may be lost to such delusional thinking as suicidal ideation. I did for nearing thirty years. I slept with a knife next to me to end the life I knew as pain during the worst of the nightmares encountered from night to night. I even placed a loaded weapon against my chin but did not pull the trigger. Often, I ask myself why? And, I suspect I know the answer why. No matter how much doom and gloom we face, hope will always shed her confidence through our courage facing our ruminating thoughts. It is not easy and has taken me since 1972 to figure this out, but I was fortunate, I had a small child to help raise. Gratefully, she became the often time cliched wind beneath my wings. Miraculously, and with the very distant hopes life would get better I rode these tsunami, congested thoughts of dread by being dead believing life does become worth living.

My technique for creating in a color-grading format depends upon several variables, i.e. software, exposure, applying light just right, compositions, and poses. I am skilled by my camera and lighting. At times I will use a natural light but thus far have become proficient with artificial lighting with my 36” modified deep dish octabox. I use this setup to bring out the color, shadow, and light with every scene I produce. I enjoy my results.

A Brief Commentary by Judith C Evans

My husband, photographer, author and poet John Evans, has lived with the trauma of this military memory for nearly 50 years. During the 10 years that we have been married, we have walked together through the storm of PTSD. The healing power of John’s fine art photography inspires me every day — and will inspire you too as you look through this website.

John seeks to tell a story with every image he captures. Whether it’s fine art portraits or photojournalism, his goal is to communicate a bit of the truth behind the image. He approaches every subject matter with courage and clarity, even if it means looking traumatic memories squarely in the eye. John’s creativity in turn helps to heal the still fresh worlds from the “surrealistic combat zone” of half a century ago. Additionally, his goal is to inspire others to heal through creativity and photography.

John Evans offers high quality, fine art photographs for purchase. He is also available as a portrait photographer, to help you tell your story. Contact us if you would like to discuss a portrait session. We look forward to hearing from you. – Judith C Evans

Work to Do Today

So, today I will be receiving a part I require for my Godox strobe flash and modifier. I cannot wait. This will allow me to use the modifier for the first time. I need to construct a scrim to place in front of the octobox to soften light coming from the Godox lamp. I have lots of little details to work out just to photograph classic signature portraits. But, this is not difficult. I will order supplies for my scrim which basically will be 4 pieces of 4 foot 3/4″ PVC with four elbows and a light fabric, perhaps a sheet of white. So, I cannot complete a full session till I tidy up the area and some photographic gear loose ends. This is what I will be completing today.

Me working at 4:00 a.m.
Gotta do something constructive when you can’t sleep.
My gear minus the scrim.
Later gator.